


Lost

by devo79



Category: Buffy the Vampire Slayer
Genre: Amnesia, Disability, M/M
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2012-04-15
Updated: 2012-04-15
Packaged: 2017-11-03 16:53:23
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 12
Words: 12,648
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/383731
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/devo79/pseuds/devo79
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>Xander is badly hurt in a store robbery.</p>
            </blockquote>





	1. Chapter 1

Spike looked down at his hands.

It wasn’t the first time they had been covered in blood. In the past he would have relished the sight of his pale hands covered in it. There was a time where he wouldn’t have thought twice about the dried blood slowly starting to flake.

It itched. Made the skin pull together and the small hairs stick to each other. He might not even have had to watch it dry. No. He would have licked his hands clean. Sucked each finger until the red residue was gone.

And he would not have held a human as it slumped to the floor, arms flailing through the air and shaking hands falling limp to the cold linoleum tiles. He wouldn’t have pressed his hands frantically against a damp forehead while he watched blood gush out of a bullet hole and over his fingers.

Spike looked down at his hands.

He was covered in blood.

Xander’s blood.

\----------------------------------------------------

“He’ll be okay. Right? Right?” Willows small uncertain voice begged and Tara whispered reassuringly.

“It’s Xander. H-he always pulls t-through,” Tara promised as her eyes looked pleadingly up at Giles. The watcher just nodded as he stared at the white walls.

Spike could hear Dawn crying. Could hear her voice drowning in sobs. Buffy was hugging her. The slayer’s eyes filled with unshed tears.

\---------------------------------------------------

Spike looked up when a strong hand touched his shoulder.

“Come with me,” Angel said and hauled Spike with him down a hall and into a supply closet. Spike just stood there in the middle of the small room, his back to the door and Angel. The closet smelled of antiseptics, hospital and sickness.

Spike felt Angel’s arms curl around his waist, pull him close and he turned in the older vampire’s embrace and rested his head against Angel’s chest.

“Spike,” Angel whispered.

And Spike started crying.


	2. Chapter 2

“Hey, Bleachy?” Xander held up two small boxes.

“Whot?” Spike looked up from the beers.

“You want sour cream and onion or barbeque dip?” Xander asked and rattled the two boxes.

“Barbeque,” Spike said and knelt down to take a six-pack from the shelf.

“Don’t anybody fucking move!” an angry voice screamed from the entrance to the small convenience store.

Xander turned and said “What the hell?”

\-------------------------------------------------

“I’m doctor Martins,” the middle-aged man with the receding hairline said and shook hands with Giles “Are you by any chance…“ the doctor looked down at the papers in his hand “William Pratt?”

“I…eh…no. I’m Rupert Giles,” Giles said and looked stunned. Buffy was about to say something when Willow took her hand and shook her head.

“I’m sorry but I can only inform mister Pratt about the young man’s condition. He’s the only one listed as next of kin in Alexander’s papers.”

Angel pulled Spike out of the chair he had been sitting in for the last eight hours and pushed him in the doctor’s direction.

“This is William Pratt,” Angel said and made sure to keep his hand on Spike’s back when he saw the younger vampire sway a little.

“Oh,” Martins said and patted Spike‘s slumped shoulder “Well, perhaps we should go into my office and…”

“Is he dead?” Spike asked and looked up from his hands.

“No, Mister Pratt. He’s not dead but…” Martins started.

“They should all hear,” Spike said and waved a bloodstained hand vaguely in the direction of Buffy, Willow, Tara and Dawn.

“I see. Well,” Martins looked uncertain for a moment then walked over and sat down in one of the green plastic chairs in the waiting room. Spike and Angel remained standing but Giles sat down in the chair Spike had just left. They watched the doctor put the papers down on the small table next to his chair.

“Alexander…” Martins began.

“Xander,” Spike said quietly with one arm wrapped around his own waist attempting to keep the pain and fear inside.

“Xander,” the doctor nodded “was hit by a bullet here,” Martins pointed to his own forehead a little over his left eyebrow “part of the bullet lodged itself in the skull and…” he sighed “If the bullet had gone right through…Xander would have died.”

“But it didn’t,” Buffy said and dried her eyes with the back of her hand and hugged Dawn. Willow just sobbed against Tara‘s shoulder.

“We removed the bullet and repaired as much of the damage we could,” the doctor turned his undivided attention to Spike “But there was significant damage. We’re keeping him in a drug induced coma for the next few days. After that,” Martins said sadly “we just have to wait and see. Either the brain damage will be minor and he’ll just need time to recover or… ”

“Will he…” Spike reached out and grabbed Angel’s arm. “Will he be Xander?”

“I don’t know,” Martins ran a hand through his hair “He’s young and in good health. The area damaged was large but results of head injuries are difficult to predict.”

“Can I see him?” Spike asked.


	3. Chapter 3

"Whot?" Spike looked up from the beers.

"You want sour cream and onion or barbeque dip?” Xander asked and rattled the two boxes.

"Barbeque,” Spike said and knelt down to take a six-pack from the shelf.

"Don’t anybody fucking move!” an angry voice screamed from the entrance to the small convenience store. 

Xander turned and said “What the hell?” 

“I said, don’t fucking move!” the voice frantically repeated and the sound of gunfire filled the store.

\---------------------------------------------------------------------

Angel watched Spike. The younger vampire was slumped in his chair, his arms hugging himself as if trying to keep warm. 

“I just don’t understand,” Buffy said again “Why Spike? Why him of all people?” 

“Buffy, you need to calm down and…” Giles attempted but Buffy pulled away from her watcher and stalked over to Spike. 

“What did you do to him?” she demanded to know as she glared down at him. 

“Piss off,” was all Spike could say as he looked away and stared at the white walls. 

“No,” Buffy grabbed on to Spike’s arm and pulled him out of the chair she slammed him up against the wall before Angel forced her to let go. The older vampire put his arms around her and forced her to step back from Spike. 

“You want to know what I did to him?” Spike whispered and looked first at Buffy then at the other Scoobies gathered in the small waiting room. “I’ll bloody well tell ya,” he said and pushed away from the wall. “I held him while he almost bled out. I held him and told him everything would be all right. I lied to him, Buffy. Is that what you wanted to hear?” 

Buffy slowly shook her head in denial. 

“I sat there on the floor with him cradled in my arms as his blood covered my hands,” Spike held up his hands and Buffy’s eyes filled with tears. 

Spike took a step closer to her and Angel held her tighter as he flashed his golden eyes at his childe. 

“I sat there and watched the bastard that did this to him, run out of the store and even if I’d been willing to leave Xander alone to bleed to death…I wouldn’t even have been able to drain the bastard. So you want to know what I did?” 

Spike’s face was inches from Buffy’s. “I held my consort as he slowly bled out.” 

\----------------------------------------------------- 

Spike stood in the doorway to Xander’s room. The beeping of the machines and horrible smell of disinfectants made him growl softly. Xander seemed so small and fragile. The white walls and the quiet hushed voices coming from the other rooms in the ward made him feel trapped. 

Angel was standing behind him. A quiet wall of strength. 

“He’s so pale,” Spike muttered and slowly stepped into the room. 

“He’s alive, Spike. You need to focus on that,” Angel said as he approached the bed. 

“What good will that do him if he’s…” Spike couldn’t finish. 

“You’ve been feeding him your blood, haven’t you?” Angel asked quietly and looked over at Spike. 

“Yes,” he nodded and reached out to gently touch Xander’s face. “They shaved his hair off,” Spike said disbelievingly. Angel walked around the bed and held Spike as he started to shiver. 

“If you’ve been sharing blood with him, he has a greater chance of surviving,” Angel whispered in Spike’s ear “You know that.” Spike nodded. 

“Will you keep watch while…” Spike asked and Angel walked over to the door and looked back at Spike before he walked out and shut the door behind him. 

Spike took Xander’s hand and caressed it before he bit down on his own wrist and held it against Xander’s mouth. 

Now all he could do was wait.


	4. Chapter 4

"You want sour cream and onion or barbeque dip?" Xander asked and rattled the two boxes.

"Barbeque," Spike said and knelt down to take a six-pack from the shelf.

"Don't anybody fucking move!" an angry voice screamed from the entrance to the small convenience store.

Xander turned and said "What the hell?”

"I said, don’t fucking move!" the voice frantically repeated and the sound of gunfire filled the store.

Spike looked up just in time to see Xander take a step back, his right hand reach up to his face and his left curl into a fist. 

Then Xander fell.

\--------------------------------------

“The tests show that Xander suffers from…” the doctor stopped, put his clipboard on his desk and looked up at Spike “Mr. Pratt, picture Xander’s brain as a computer hard disk. It’s filled with folders and each folder is filled with files.” Spike nodded but looked at Angel uncertainly. 

“The folders are all named. Birthdays, Music, Friends, Food, Words, Feelings. Every files represents a memory that fits in a folder. If he hates broccoli, the memory of that is stored in the folder called Food and the sub-folder called Dislike,” Dr. Martins leant back in his chair and continued. 

“Now, after the brain damage, all the folders have been deleted and only the files remain. The files have all been misplaced, some may even have lost their names or have been named incorrectly.” Angel looked over at Spike. The blond vampire’s eyes were focused on the doctor’s mouth. 

“Everything Xander experiences now confuses him, because his brain is trying to make sense of the world by using those misplaced and incorrectly named files. He looks at an apple and his brain will search for something that reminds him of it. But his brain might tell him that the apple is a basketball. It has the same shape and his brain can’t access the folders so he simply holds on to the first thing the apple reminds him of.” 

“Is that why he started screaming when he saw me?” Spike asked and looked away. His eyes focused on the diplomas hanging on the wall. The voices of nurses and patients coming through the closed door. 

“He might have focused on your eye colour and remembered a childhood bully,” Martins picked up the clipboard and looked sad “I’m afraid there’s nothing much we can do for him here…or anywhere else to be honest.” 

“He will start making new memories and new folders, so to speak. It will be hard and he may never be the man he was before. Have you considered some form of nursing home? There are homes that might…” 

“No,” Spike said, got up and left the room. 

“Please make him understand that caring for Xander will be very hard, almost impossible,” the doctor said. 

“Spike’s not the kind of man to back down because things get difficult,” Angel said, shook hands with the doctor and walked down the hall to Xander’s room.

\--------------------------------------------------------

Xander was curled up under the blankets. His hands covering his head. 

Spike watched as his consort rocked back and forth muttering almost silently. Gibberish. Not a single thing Xander said made sense. Words, fragments of conversations, even a few titbits from commercials were stuttered. 

“Taking you home soon,” Spike said and gently let his hands rub the sobbing human’s back. 

“Ten million strong, and growing,” Xander whispered ”Liar, crooked religion,” brown eyes peered out from under the blanket. ”Fish?” Xander asked.

”Yeah, Pet.” Spike sighed ”Fish.”

\-------------------------------------------------------- 

Martins watched as Xander was helped into the wheelchair. The poor young man was clutching a shoe in his hand. Martins had watched Xander shake his head and take his shoe off after William had painstakingly helped the boy put it on. 

“Flying,” Xander had said and looked at the blond man as if he was the one who was brain damaged. 

\--------------------------------------------------------- 

Angel unlocked the door and opened it. He stepped aside so Spike could help Xander into the apartment first. Xander let go of Spike’s hand and took a few slow steps into the living room. 

“Buffy and Willow said they would come over later,” Giles said as he put Xander’s bag on the hallway table. 

“Might not be the best idea,” Spike muttered as Xander reached out and touched the couch. He turned and looked at Spike. Those intense brown eyes burned their way through the vampire's unbeating heart. 

“Not loud,” Xander said and tilted his head. “Fine…” Xander scrunched his face up, a sure sign he was searching his muddled brain for a word “Fine…” he repeated and then something else caught his eye and he wandered over to the TV and tapped the screen. 

“Moving back on the highway,” Xander said and sat down in front of the blank screen and studied his own reflection. "Hard to find,” Xander murmured quietly. 

“I’ll call the girls and tell them to come visit some other day,” Giles said as he watched Spike clench his fists and close his eyes. 

\------------------------------------------------------- 

“NO!” Xander yelled. 

Of all the words he could have remembered correctly, Spike mused but couldn’t help smile. 

“Come on, Xander. It’s just fruit,” Spike said and pushed the small plate with the slice of lemon over the table. 

“Stinky!” Xander said, pushed the plate away and glared at Spike. 

“NO!” Xander repeated, this time followed by a hand slammed against the table top. 

“Just taste it,” Spike demanded and pushed the plate back. “It’s fruit. You eat it.” 

”Stinky!” Xander claimed and shook his head. 

”No Xander,” Spike grabbed Xander’s hand ”Sour! Not stinky.” He took the slice of lemon and pushed it between Xander’s lips. Xander gasped, spit the lemon out and promptly started drying his tongue off on his t-shirt. 

”Sour,” Spike smiled. 

”Very dangerous,” Xander growled, spit on the table and pointed an accusing finger at Spike.


	5. Chapter 5

"Barbeque,”Spike said and knelt down to take a six-pack from the shelf.

"Don't anybody fucking move!" an angry voice screamed from the entrance to the small convenience store.

Xander turned and said "What the hell?"

"I said, don’t fucking move!” the voice frantically repeated and the sound of gunfire filled the store.

Spike looked up just in time to see Xander take a step back, his right hand reach up to his face and his left curl into a fist. Then Xander fell.

Spike reached out and grabbed Xander by the shoulders and tried to ease them both gently down to the floor.

\-----------------------------------------

“You hungry? Want something to eat?” Spike asked and watched Xander fiddle with the remote.

“Like Marie Antoinette,” Xander answered and looked up at Spike. He frowned when Spike didn’t react. ”Like Marie Antoinette!” he repeated and got up from the couch and shuffled out of the living room and into the bedroom.

”Right,” Spike said and went into the kitchen to make dinner.

\--------------------------------------------------

Xander looked at the bowl of chicken soup and the fresh bread and sighed. He sat down and grabbed the spoon. His fine motor skills were still rusty and he held the spoon in his fist. Xander had given up on knives and forks after the first few attempts.

”Chicken soup,” Spike said and looked over at Xander.

”Marie Antoinette,” Xander sighed and shook his head.

”What is it with you and dead French royalty?” Spike leant back in his chair and watched Xander pick his bread into hundreds of tiny pieces.

\----------------------------------------

”Um…hi Xander,” Willow tentatively took Xander’s hand and watched him hopefully. Xander seemed to study her eyes for a second before he smiled and let go of her hand. He turned around and walked over to the TV.

”He doesn’t remember me,” Willow whispered and looked pleadingly at Tara. ”How can he not remember me?”

”He remembers just fine. He just can’t make heads or tails of his memories right now, Red.” Spike gently patted Willow’s shoulder and pulled her with him into the kitchen.

”How is he doing?” Tara asked just as Xander started laughing in the living room.

Willow walked over to the door and looked in at her best friend. He was sitting on the floor as close to the TV as he could get. Xander laughed again and Spike joined Willow by the door.

”What’s he watching?” Spike asked and tiptoed over to the couch. Xander didn’t notice him, he just continued to stare at the TV.

”Bloody Animal Planet,” Spike shook his head and smiled at Willow. ”He…” Spike started but was startled by the sounds Xander was making. Low growling and high pitched laughter.

”Hyena,” Willow said breathlessly from the doorway. Xander leant closer to the TV and reached out, putting his hand flat on the screen.

Spike heard the sizzle of static electricity and saw Xander close his eyes as the man on the screen said ”The haunting laughter-like calls of the spotted hyena inspired the idea in local cultures that the hyena could imitate human voices and call their victims by name. Hyenas are also associated with divination and sometimes thought of as tools of demons and witches. In African folklore, witches and sorcerers are thought to ride hyenas, or even turn into them.”

”Tor,” Xander whispered and petted the screen when a large Hyena ran over the yellow African grass.

Spike watched Willow take a slow step back. Xander turned his head, his eyes locked on Willow and he quietly said ”The Heimlich, with stripes.”

Willow gasped and started laughing.

\-----------------------------------------------

”Bloody strange,” Spike said as he helped Xander undress ”Remember some stupid joke from high school but don’t seem to remember me,” Spike tapped Xander’s hip and Xander lifted his butt from the bed. Spike gently pulled the soft sweatpants down and looked up at Xander ”Could use a hug you know,” Spike said and folded the pants ”Would be nice ta sleep in my own bed again too.”

Xander was looking over at the picture on the wall. It was Willow, Buffy and Xander huddled together so they could all be in the picture. Willow was in the middle gazing up at Xander’s smiling face. Buffy was on Willow’s right, young and soft looking. Xander turned his attention to Spike sitting on the floor. Xander reached up and rubbed at the small scar by his temple. A dark lock of hair fell over his eyes.

”Exemption for impending death situation,” Xander muttered and looked at his fingers as if he expected them to be covered in blood. Spike didn’t move. Xander bent over and stopped mere inches from Spike’s face. Spike swallowed and stared into Xander’s brown eyes.

Xander smiled, stood up and wandered into the bathroom leaving Spike sitting on the floor.


	6. Chapter 6

"Don't anybody fucking move!" an angry voice screamed from the entrance to the small convenience store.

Xander turned and said "What the hell?"

"I said, don't fucking move!" the voice frantically repeated and the sound of gunfire filled the store.

Spike looked up just in time to see Xander take a step back, his right hand reach up to his face and his left curl into a fist. Then Xander fell.

Spike reached out and grabbed Xander by the shoulders and tried to ease them both gently down to the floor.

Blood was pooling under Xander’s head. Spike frantically pressed the palm of his hand against the bullet wound.

\------------------------------------

“The therapist, Doctor Cha..napatry,” Giles attempted.

”Channarayapatra,” Spike said as he helped Xander out of his jacket ”The Indian bloke.”

”Yes,” Giles nodded and smiled ”He said Xander’s word association was much better and that even though his fine motor skills still need a lot of work…Well the doctor was very pleased.”

Xander sat down on the chair standing in the hallway and started fumbling with his shoelaces. He frowned and bit his lip. Xander sighed and finally just started pulling the shoe off.

”Need ta untie the shoelaces first,” Spike knelt in front of Xander. Xander stopped moving and just watched as the blond vampire untied the shoelaces, pulled the shoes off and gently caressed Xander’s feet. Xander abruptly stood up and walked into the living room leaving Spike behind, kneeling on the floor with a shoe in his clutching hands.

”Eh…” Giles said awkwardly ”The doctor also wanted to know how those closest to Xander were doing…He asked how you…cope,” the watcher was very obviously not comfortable with the topic.

”Coping just fine. Try to muddle through,” Spike whispered and put the shoe down on the floor ”Thanks for taking him to therapy today, Giles.” Spike stood up and looked a bit lost.

”Don’t mention it,” Giles said.

\---------------------------------------------------

Spike stared at the ceiling. He could hear Xander move about in the master bedroom. Spike sighed and turned on the increasingly uncomfortable mattress. They really needed to buy a new bed for the guestroom. Especially if he would have to keep sleeping there.

He had tried to crawl into bed with Xander in their bedroom but Xander had just curled up into a ball and had almost stopped breathing in pure terror.

The creak of the floorboards outside the door made Spike sit up and look over at the door.

The door handle was slowly turned and the door opened a few inches. Just enough for a pair of brown eyes to peek in.

“Xander?” Spike asked.

\-----------------------------------------------

Angel burst through the front door and stopped in the dimly lit hallway and tried to calm down. The phone call from Spike had been frantic and he had sounded frightened. Angel knew how bad things had to be if Spike didn’t at least try to hide his fear from his grandsire.

A small sound made him walk over to the stairs. The sound continued. A soft droning voice. Repeating itself over and over again.

Angel slowly walked up the stairs, a stake in his hand just in case…scenarios were running through his head with lightning speed and he didn’t like a single one of them.

He stopped outside the door to the guestroom. A room he had stayed in himself. Last time…a lifetime ago…when he had welcomed Xander into the Aurelius clan.

The droning voice was coming from behind the door. He could make out words now.

“Xander?” Angel asked and turned the door handle. He opened the door and walked inside.

Xander was sitting in the corner, kneeling naked and rocking back and forth.

“I’m not breakable. I’m not breakable. I’m not breakable,” he chanted. Xander had his right hand clutched against his neck. Blood was dripping from between his fingers and down on his naked thigh. Every drop made a wet sound as it landed.

“Xander?” Angel walked closer but stopped when he heard Spike say

“Don’t touch him.”

Angel turned and looked over at the bed. Spike was leaning his back against it as he sat on the floor. A split upper lip made his sad smile crooked. “Nobody’s home in there,” Spike said and pointed over at the rocking human.

“What happened?” Angel demanded.

"Ten million strong, and growing,” Xander whispered from his corner and then continued to chant ”I’m not breakable,” only this time the words seemed to dissolve until he was only whispering ”Breakable, breakable, breakable.”

Angel turned his attention back to Spike ”What happened?” he repeated.

”Been awfully lonely in here, sleeping alone,” Spike muttered ”Hearing him turn in his sleep, hearing him breathe,” Spike closed his eyes and Angel knew he was listening to the distraught human’s heartbeat. ”He came to me,” Spike suddenly said.

”He came in here?” Angel asked and looked over at the shivering Xander.

”Came in here and crawled into my bed,” Spike nodded and looked up at Angel ”Just wanted to touch him again,” Spike tried to explain.

”You bit him,” Angel pointed out.

”Was first after I did that,” Spike said and looked away from Xander.

”Did he say he wanted you to…touch him?” Angel felt uncomfortable. Wouldn’t Willow be better at this kind of thing?

Spike laughed, a sad exhausted sound ”Asked him yesterday what he wanted for breakfast. Know what he said?” Spike looked up at Angel again. Angel shook his head and leant slightly forward, like a child waiting for the ending to a scary story. ”Holding the line for the one,” Spike looked over at Xander ”Never bloody know, do I?” he looked back at Angel ”Never bloody know if he’s still in there.”

”Spike did you…Did you force him?” Spike looked at his grandsire with shock.

”He was all over me, Angel.” Spike said ”Haven’t touched like that for months. Didn’t seem like he didn’t want me.”

”But then you bit him?” Angel was starting to understand what must have happened.

”Didn’t mean to,” Spike said and touched a dried drop of blood on his knee. Angel understood. Spike had simply done what came naturally and had bitten Xander. Only it wasn’t natural. At least not for this Xander.

”Hey, Xander.” Angel knelt in front of Xander and suddenly Xander’s hand shot out grabbing Angel’s wrist. The bleeding human pulled the vampire closer and hid his face in the juncture of Angel’s neck and shoulder. The warm, moist breath made Angel shiver.

”Please, please,” Xander begged and Angel’s free hand slowly started rubbing Xander’s back and shoulders. Spike was watching. His blue eyes bleeding into gold.

Xander tightened his grip on Angel’s wrist and pressed it against his mouth. Xander’s blunt human teeth scraped against Angel’s pale skin.

”Angel,” Spike sounded anxious.

”Shhh,” Angel crooned to the worn out consort ”Everything is going to be fine, Xander. Promise.”

Xander sighed, let go of Angel’s unharmed wrist and shook his head and whispered ”Un-dead liar guy.”

\------------------------------------------

Angel picked the blanket up from the floor and gently tucked it around the curled up human on the bed.

”I wish you’d know me when I was alive,” Xander whispered and Angel stopped moving. 

\------------------------------------------

”He’s asleep now,” Angel said and closed the door to the master bedroom. Spike nodded, his face blank and his eyes closed.

”Thanks,” Spike whispered.

”Spike…William?” Angel touched Spike’s shoulder and Spike shuddered and started sobbing.


	7. Chapter 7

Xander turned and said "What the hell?"

"I said, don’t fucking move!" the voice frantically repeated and the sound of gunfire filled the store.

Spike looked up just in time to see Xander take a step back, his right hand reach up to his face and his left curl into a fist. Then Xander fell.

Spike reached out and grabbed Xander by the shoulders and tried to ease them both gently down to the floor.

Blood was pooling under Xander's head.Spike frantically pressed the palm of his hand against the bullet wound.

Xander opened and closed his mouth. A gasp of air and so many words unsaid.

\-------------------------------------------------

Angel woke up curled up on the bed in the guestroom. He turned and looked at the empty space next to him. Angel rubbed a hand over his face attempting to gather his thoughts.

He had held Spike, sobbing broken Spike, until the younger vampire had finally, mercifully, fallen asleep. Angel had continued to murmur promises to Spike even after the smaller body had relaxed.

He sat up and stretched. His joints popping and his neck painfully reminding him that the bed in the guestroom seriously needed to be thrown out, possibly burned, and replaced with a softer and better version.

He looked down at his rumbled clothes and sighed. He had been in such a hurry that he hadn’t brought anything else with him. He’s just have to see if he could borrow some of Xander’s clothes.

At least Spike had gotten Xander out of those horrible shirts and into something more stylish. Just like Xander had brought out William again. Although Angel was pretty sure Xander hadn’t achieved that the same way Spike had managed to get rid of Xander’s old shirts.

Vampires and fire didn’t mix very well.

Angel still remembered how angry Xander had been. Only an angry Xander was as close to an aphrodisiac as Spike could get so Xander hadn’t stayed angry for long.

Angel walked over to the door and stopped.

“I told him I wasn’t sure building that new mall out there was a good idea. Remember that’s where that huge slime demon thingy sloshed around last fall? Anyway…” Angel smiled. Xander kept babbling as the vampire walked down the stairs and into the kitchen.

Spike was standing by the kitchen table watching Xander babble. He had his back to the two vampires as he emptied a blood bag into a green mug and put it in the microwave oven.

Xander started humming tunelessly and tapped his fingers against the top of the kitchen counter.

“So Blondie, you need me to pick up something from the mall on my way home from work?” Xander fiddled with a notepad, a pen rolling over the counter was stopped by strong suntanned fingers.

Spike hadn’t moved a muscle since Angel had entered the kitchen. Spike’s hands were clenched and his eyes followed every movement Xander made. Xander tilted his head slightly.

“Dawn wants to go to that show in LA,” Xander continued and Angel finally understood what was happening. Xander hadn’t miraculously been cured overnight. He was replaying a memory. The show he was talking about was a play Dawn had wanted to see a year earlier.

Spike made a quiet sound as if he was trying to bite back a reply.

“Dawnie is already working on wearing Buffy down. I’m telling you, she uses those puppy dog eyes like a true world class champion,” Xander sighed when the microwave oven dinged. He opened it and pulled out the mug. He seemed uncertain what to do with it now that he was holding it and he turned and looked up.

“Xander?” Spike said.

Xander froze, the mug creaked ominously when his fingers clenched tightly around the handle. His other hand flew up to the bite mark on his neck and the mug tumbled to the floor.

“No!” Xander said and looked from Spike to the blood on the floor.

“Xander, please.” Spike begged but Xander just shook his head and closed his eyes.

“Xander,” Angel said and stepped closer to the terrified human blocking Xander‘s view of Spike.

“Angel?” Xander whispered “You need to warn Buffy!”

“What’s wrong?” Angel asked.

“It’s Spike,” Xander whispered conspiratorially “I think…I think…Maybe he’s in town. And if he’s here so’s that nutcase Dru.”


	8. Chapter 8

“I said, don’t fucking move!” the voice frantically repeated and the sound of gunfire filled the store.

Spike looked up just in time to see Xander take a step back, his right hand reach up to his face and his left curl into a fist. Then Xander fell.

Spike reached out and grabbed Xander by the shoulders and tried to ease them both gently down to the floor.

Blood was pooling under Xander’s head. Spike frantically pressed the palm of his hand against the bullet wound.

Xander opened and closed his mouth. A gasp of air and so many words unsaid.

\-------------------------------------------------

Spike knocked on the locked door. He waited patiently for a few minutes then knocked again.

“Go away!” Xander yelled, his voice muffled by the door.

“I’ve brought you some breakfast, Xander,” Spike said. He could hear Xander move around behind the door. Something bumped against it.

“I don’t like elephants,” Xander pointed out. Spike looked down at the tray he was holding. Toast, orange juice, a boiled egg.

“Well,” Spike said “That’s okay. I didn’t bring any.”

A startled snort and then laughter.

“Damn, Bleachy!” Xander chuckled “You almost made me choke on my own spit.” Spike’s hands shook slightly making the plate and the glass on the tray clink together. Sometimes he wished that his Xander never surfaced. It hurt too much…those short glimpses of recognition in Xander’s eyes.

“Xander?” Spike whispered and knelt down to put the tray on the floor, just outside the door. The door opened a fraction and a pair of confused brown eyes looked out.

“I don’t like elephants,” Xander sulked. He stared at the tray for a few seconds, grabbed the egg and closed the door.

“Yeah, mate.” Spike nodded as he leant against the wall “I don’t like ‘em either.”

\---------------------------------------------

“He won’t come out,” Spike said and looked at Angel. The taller vampire draped his coat over the back of the couch.

“How long?” Angel asked and accepted the mug of blood Spike handed him. The house looked like it hadn’t been cleaned in a few weeks and the kitchen counter was littered with dirty plates and some pots and pans that were beyond saving.

Angel wasn’t big on human food, he’d never found it that interesting after he had been turned, but he was pretty sure you shouldn’t eat anything that was as vividly green and hairy as the bread on the plate next to the sink.

“A week now,” Spike said and ran a hand through his hair. It needed to be bleached. The darker roots were visible and it curled behind his ears.

“Does he eat all right?” Angel asked.

“Yeah. Won’t have to force-feed him again like last time,“ Spike said and sighed.

“Good,“ Angel sipped his blood “Because I don’t think I can do that again.“

\-----------------------------------------------

“Xander?” Angel knocked on the door and waited.

“Angel?” Xander sounded hopeful.

“You need to come out, Xander.” Angel looked over at Spike. The blond vampire was standing at the end of the hallway his eyes glued to the closed door.

“Is he still there?” Xander whispered, his voice coming clearly through the door. Angel put his hand against the oak and could feel Xander’s body heat through the wood.

“He won’t hurt you,” Angel said “You can trust him.” A sudden hard bump against the door made Angel take a step back.

“I knew it!” Xander yelled “You’re in on this too, aren’t you?” Something was being moved around behind the door. Something heavy. It sounded as if Xander was rearranging the furniture. “Does she know?”

“Who? Does who know?” Angel asked and looked over at Spike. Spike just shrugged.

“Buffy,” Xander said as if that was obvious “She know you’re all soulless again?”

“I’m not soulless,” Angel growled.

“Yeah right…like you’d tell me if you were,” Xander muttered and Spike couldn’t help smiling.

“We just want you to come out, pet.” Spike said as he walked over to the door “Come out here and watch some telly…”

“Watch some telly and get eaten by the resident vampires?” Xander mocked “I think not!”

“Fine!” Spike finally snapped. “You stay in there and rot!” he yelled and stomped down the stairs.

\--------------------------------------------------------

Xander woke up feeling dizzy. Man, why was the room all wobbly? He slowly sat up and looked around. The room was dark but he could still make out the shape of a closet and a big chair next to the window. His mouth was dry and had that god-awful taste of dried spittle. It made his tongue stick to the roof of his mouth.

Xander slid to the edge of the bed and let his feet touch the cool floorboards. He shivered but pushed himself off the bed and stumbled a few steps over to what looked like the door. He fumbled around and found the light switch.

The room was big and it looked comfy with the pale blue walls and the pictures. Paintings, Xander corrected himself. Paintings…and each one of them depicting a sunrise. Weird. The room suddenly tilted to the left and he leant against the wall. God, his head hurt. He let his fingers trail over where the wound was…the bump was gone. What the hell?!

He remembered there being a bump. A big fucking throbbing bump that hurt like…but now…nothing just a thin line off raised skin. A scar.

Spike had hit him pretty hard with that microscope. He remembered that. He remembered blacking out and the feeling of blood running down the side of his face.

But now…just a scar. A scar and a strange bedroom and…he winced when he accidentally stepped on something. He looked down at a tray with a plate, a glass and a fork on it.

Actually it wasn’t the only tray. He noticed three trays shoved halfway under the bed and a tray over by the window. They were all empty so he must have eaten whatever food had been on them.

At least he was being fed. Xander turned the door handle and tried to open the door. It was locked. Figured. If Spike still had them…he suddenly thought of Willow.

What had that bleached nut job done to her? Was she locked in some other room?

He frantically started searching for something to pick the lock with. Then he noticed the key. It was in the keyhole. All he had to do was turn it.

\-----------------------------------------------------

It was a house. A normal, ordinary house. Not really the kind of hideout Xander had expected Spike to hang out in. Empty warehouses and spooky crypts seemed more appropriate. He had a hard time seeing Spike living in this house. Had a hard time picturing the blond vampire hanging out in the kitchen baking cookies.

He tiptoed through the hallway, opening doors looking for Willow. A bathroom, a walk-in-closet, a study with blueprints rolled out on the desk. Xander looked around in the study. He liked it. It felt comfortable and strangely…cosy?…familiar? He wasn’t sure. He looked at the blueprints wondering what they were for. A thin layer of dust seemed to coat most of the things in the room as if it hadn’t been used for some time.

He walked out into the hallway again.

One door left.

He reached out, turned the door handle and walked into the room. It smelled nice. Familiar. He scanned the dark room and gasped. It was a guestroom and the bed was currently occupied by a very pale and very nude vampire.

Xander slowly backed out of the room. He closed the door and tiptoed down the stairs. Willow had to be somewhere in the house. It suddenly struck him that Spike must have killed the owners of the house…maybe he had killed Willow as well…

Xander searched the living room and the kitchen. He even crept down the stairs and checked the basement. Nothing. Willow was gone.

He walked over to the front door, silently opened it and stepped outside into the dark streets of Sunnydale.


	9. Chapter 9

Spike looked up just in time to see Xander take a step back, his right hand reach up to his face and his left curl into a fist. Then Xander fell.

Spike reached out and grabbed Xander by the shoulders and tried to ease them both gently down to the floor.

Blood was pooling under Xander’s head. Spike frantically pressed the palm of his hand against the bullet wound.

Xander opened and closed his mouth. A gasp of air and so many words unsaid.

\-------------------------------------------------

Spike turned in his sleep and hugged the pillow against his chest. It still carried the faint scent of Xander and combined with the sound of Xander’s heartbeat, muffled as it was through the walls, it always made Spike calm down.

He stirred in his sleep and frowned. Something was wrong. Like looking at a doctored photo and noticing that the shadows were missing. Spike breathed deeply through his nose filling his world with the scent of sawdust, sweat and Xander.

He opened his eyes and did what he always did when he woke up. He tracked Xander’s heartbeat.

It was gone.

\----------------------------------------------------

The diner on the corner next to the comics shop was closed. Hell some of the windows were boarded up. But Patty’s Diner had always been there. He remembered eating there the day before Spike had clobbered him with the microscope.

He tried to look through the window in the door. He could just make out the interior of the old diner. The room had been stripped. The floor was covered in dust and a stepladder stood in the middle of the room. Xander slowly backed away and stumbled the few steps over to the comics shop. His legs felt weird…like he didn’t have full control of them.

The sign over the shop said WHAM! with big red letters, just as it always had. He looked at the comics displayed in the window. The comics looked different. Not much but…enough to freak him out a little. Ultimate Spiderman? What the fuck was that? Spiderman even looked different. Cooler but still different.

Ultimate Spiderman, Ultimate X-men, Ultimate Iron Man, Ultimate Wolverine, Ultimate Fantastic Four. What? Did Marvel get brain damaged and couldn’t come up with actual titles anymore?

A sudden sound made him turn and look over at the alley across the street.

\-----------------------------------------------------

Spike tore through the house. Every room was checked and rechecked until he ended up in the living room, wearing nothing and clutching his cell phone in his hand.

His hands shook and he dialled the wrong number twice. Growling he finally connected.

”Hello?” Giles sounded tired.

”Is he there?” Spike growled in game face.

”Spike?” Giles asked.

”Is. He. There?” Spike repeated and started pacing.

”Who…” Giles began then gasped ”Oh dear Lord. When did he disappear?”

”I don’t know,” Spike’s fingers tightened around the phone until the plastic started cracking.

”Well…” Spike could hear Giles move around ”I’ll call Buffy and Willow,” the watcher cursed quietly ”You should call Angel,” he said and huffed ”I’m getting dressed and I’ll be over at the house in…” the phone was dropped on the floor ”Sorry,” Giles said ”I’ll be there in five minutes.”

Spike stood there staring at the phone, listening as Giles disconnected.

Angel. He needed to call Angel.

\------------------------------------------------------------------

”Where would he go?” Buffy asked and looked at Willow. The redheaded witch looked lost. She shook her head and looked over at Tara.

”I don’t know,” Willow answered, ”He…could be anywhere. Oh Gods he could even have gotten out of town!”

”I doubt it,” Angel said as he scanned the streets ”Spike said Xander didn’t have any money so unless he hitchhiked…”

”This consort thing,” Buffy said and fidgeted with the stake in her hand ”Will it keep Xander safe? I mean would a fledge recognise it?” she looked from Angel to Giles.

”They should,” Giles said and Angel nodded in agreement ”But this is the Hellmouth,” they all sighed ”there are much more dangerous things than vampires in town.”

\-------------------------------------------------------------------

His head hurt and he was having trouble focusing. Xander sat down on the bench outside the public library. His legs hurt…which made sense. If Spike had kept him locked up he wouldn’t have had much chance to exercise. It didn’t explain why his left hand was fucked up or why he was having trouble remembering words. He walked by the…he knew the word but it was like his brain couldn’t find it…he had walked by that place where you’d go to get food and stuff…a…a…

He shook his head. Maybe Spike was drugging him? Maybe that was why the vampire hadn’t bothered to lock him up properly?

He slowly got up and looked down the street. Nothing. Not that he had expected anyone to be taking a midnight stroll in good old Sunnyhell but still…it was eerie being the only one around. Xander closed his eyes and tried to calm down.

If he’d been drugged he would just have to wait for the drugs to wear off. He just needed to sleep. He could go to Buffy’s house…She’d know what had happened to Willow and even if she didn’t she could torture Spike until he told them. Where did she live?

He opened his eyes and looked at the street again. He had no idea where the fuck he was.

\----------------------------------------------------------------------

Spike walked next to Angel. He hadn’t spoken since they had started searching so Angel was startled when Spike suddenly said

”I can’t do this anymore.”

”What?” Angel stopped walking and looked at the other vampire.

”When we find him…” Spike said, in a tone that made it clear that he feared they wouldn’t , ”I can’t anymore.”

”Let’s just find him first,” Angel said and kept walking.

\-----------------------------------------------------------

”Giles said he was doing better,” Buffy scanned the graveyard.

”He was…at least physically,” Willow said and stayed close to the slayer.

”You’ve visited,” Buffy said and looked more closely at the crypts.

”You could have too, you know,” Willow turned and studied Buffy’s face.

”I didn’t feel…” Buffy began, clearly searching for the right words ”It was just so depressing.”

”Yeah,” Willow nodded ”It was but he would still have liked to see you.”

”You think he would have noticed whether I was there or not?” Buffy asked.

”Maybe not,” the witch mumbled ”But Spike would.”

\---------------------------------------------------------------

Angel knelt down next to Xander. Spike’s hands moved an inch above his consort’s body. Afraid to touch.

”He’s okay. He’s okay,” Spike murmured again and again.

”Why the park?” Angel asked curiously.

”Maybe he got lost,” Spike said and carted his long fingers through Xander’s dark hair.

”Maybe,” Angel nodded and scooped the limp body up and cradled it against his chest. ”He’s cold, Spike.” Angel murmured ”Let’s get him home.”

\----------------------------------------------------------------

”Here you go,” Willow said and gave Spike a mug of warm blood.

The blond vampire nodded distractedly and just sat on the couch with the mug in his hands. Xander was curled up next to him, covered in a thick brown blanket. He would wake up every few minutes and babble incoherently. Not a single thing he said made sense. Willow had tried to calm him down but Xander didn’t seem to recognise her and he had looked around the room with big fearful eyes.

Finally, after Xander had calmed down again and fallen asleep, Spike joined the others at the dinner table. He pulled out a chair and sat down.

”I can’t do this anymore,” he said quietly and stared at the dark wood of the table. Xander had made that table himself. Had made the intricate carvings on the table legs and sides.

”What?” Giles said and looked across the table at the vampire.

”What the hell are you talking about?!” Buffy growled and stared daggers at Spike.

”You don’t know what it’s like,” Spike began but Buffy interrupted.

”You had no problem taking care of Dru for a hundred years! And you can’t even take care of Xander for a year?” Buffy was stabbing the air with her index finger.

”B-Buffy,” Tara tried from the end of the table.

”You just don’t love him enough. Isn’t that right, Spike?” Buffy asked.

”That’s enough!” Angel said and stood up so fast his chair toppled and fell to the floor with a loud bang. Xander woke up and stared at them fearfully.

”Xander?” Spike said gently and slowly walked over to the couch.

”No!” Xander stumbled over to the stairs. Willow reached out for him but he backed away shaking his head and babbled ”Ten million strong, and growing. Flying,” he pointed at Buffy then at Angel ”Dangerous.”

”Pet,” Spike said and gently touched Xander’s hand, letting his fingers curl around the warm wrist.

”Breakable,” Xander whispered ”Breakable. A thousand small pieces. Scatter.”

Buffy stood frozen next to Giles. She looked from Xander to Willow.

”All the king's horses and all the king's men…” Xander said and Spike pulled him close and hugged him ”All the king’s horses. Not enough, not enough.”

”Oh my God,” Buffy whispered.

\---------------------------------------------------

”There is this spell,” Willow said and looked over at Tara. The blond witch nodded and smiled sadly.

”He’ll be Xander again?” Spike asked hopefully.

”No,” Willow swallowed and looked over at Buffy. She was sitting on the couch looking at a framed picture of the Scoobies. ”He’ll be…new,” Willow said vaguely.

”New?” Angel was sitting next to Spike, a large hand resting on the younger vampire’s shoulder.

”It’s like wiping a slate clean,” Tara said and blushed when they all looked over at her.

”Xander will be better. We can’t change the physical stuff. He’ll still need therapy for his fine motor skills but…” Willow looked into Spike’s eyes ”It would be as if he’d lost his memory completely. He’ll remember basic things like how to talk and walk but his personality would be blank. He’d have to start over like a newborn baby.”

”He wouldn’t be Xander anymore,” Spike said, his fingers clutching the edge of the table.

”Nobody knows how much of our personality is rooted in our genetics and how much is learned,” Giles said ”He might still think and react like the Xander we all know.”

”He’s in pain like this…” Buffy said from the couch ”Isn’t he?” she looked up from the framed picture.

”Yes,” Spike said and Buffy nodded.

They all sat in silence for a few minutes listening to Xander cry and babble in his bedroom upstairs.

Spike sighed, looked at Willow and said ”Do it.”


	10. Chapter 10

Xander opened and closed his mouth. A gasp of air and so many words unsaid.

\-------------------------------------------------

His head hurt and he felt…cool. Not cold as such. Not the kind of cold one would feel on a cold winter night or that weird clammy cold you might feel if you’d been sweating and then suddenly cooled down. Nothing like that. No, he just felt cool. Like he had kicked the covers off .

He stretched and opened his eyes. Nothing much to see really. The lights were off, heavy drapes covering the windows. Only a small beam of moonlight crept through an even smaller gap. The silvery light gave the room a ghostly feel.

He turned his attention to the person sleeping next to him. Blond sleep-tussled hair framing a face with cheekbones sharp enough to cut yourself on. A pale collarbone. The rest was hidden under the covers. The moonlight made the pale skin seem translucent. As if it was paper-thin. He reached out, suddenly wondering if the man was really there.

He put his hand against the man’s chest. The skin was cool and seemed to leach his body heat right out of his veins. Something wasn’t right but he couldn’t pinpoint it. Whatever it was it seemed important…

He yelped and jumped out of the bed so suddenly his legs got tangled in the blanket and the sheets. He fought uselessly against the soft cotton as he tried to move as far away from the bed as he could.

\-----------------------------------------------------

Angel was startled out of his sleep by a loud scream. He tumbled off the couch and hit his head on the side of the table.

“Fuck!” Angel pressed a hand against his temple as he staggered over to the stairs. He was halfway up them when Xander bolted past him.

“Wait!” Spike was yelling as he pushed Angel aside and followed the human. Angel groaned and changed direction. He stumbled down the stairs and moved to where he could hear Spike and Xander arguing.

“What the hell is going on here?” Angel asked when he finally made it to the kitchen. Xander was backed up against the fridge, a frying pan raised threateningly over his head. Spike was standing in front of him, holding his hands up and trying to calm Xander down.

“Y-you get away from me!” Xander said thrusting the frying pan in Spike’s direction, “You you zombie!”

“Whot?” Spike looked genuinely confused.

“I asked what was going on here?” Angel repeated. Xander looked over at him and then back at Spike.

“H-he’s dead!” Xander said accusingly.

“Oh great,” Angel said “Look I thing you must have misunderstood something.”

“Bloody hell,” Spike said and shook his head “’M not dead,” he claimed and pointed at himself.

“You weren’t breathing and your skin was fucking cold like the grave, man.” Xander’s grip on the frying pan loosened and it dropped to the floor a split second before Xander followed it.

\-------------------------------------------------

“I guess it worked,” Angel said and looked over at Spike. The younger vampire was pulling a blanket over Xander and tucking it in around him.

“Looks like it,” Spike agreed “Question is…” Spike gently brushed a lock of hair away from Xander’s face “What do we do now?”

“We explain things as well as we can,” Angel walked over to the kitchen “And while we wait we should feed and maybe find those photo albums Willow left behind.”

“Yeah,” Spike nodded and sat down in the recliner, “Should call the girls and tell them it worked.”

\----------------------------------------------------

He woke up in the living room. The tall dark-haired man was looking down at him.

“You feeling any better?” the man said.

“Um…is that other guy still dead?” he asked and slowly sat up.

“Well…eh…” the man answered, “Spike,” he yelled over his shoulder “Get in here!” The blond walked into the room, his hair still tussled but at least now he was wearing more than boxer shorts.

“Whot?” the blond asked and then noticed that he was awake, “You feeling better?” the blond asked.

“You still dead?” he answered.

“Pretty much,” was the laconic answer.

“Oh,” he pushed the blanket away and stood up on shaky legs “Well then I’ll leave you to your um…deadness.”

The blond snorted and shook his head, “You need to stay inside.”

“Why?” he asked and looked over at the tall broody man.

“Let’s just say zombies are the least of your concerns,” the dark-haired man said.

“Just let me go, okay?” he begged hopefully, “I won’t tell anyone about you living or…well not living here.”

“And where’d you go?” the blond asked.

“I’d…” he made a waving gesture and suddenly dashed for the door. Before he knew what was happening he was tackled by the blond guy. They flew through the air and landed against the hallway table. The mirror over it was knocked off its nail and fell to the floor.

“You need to calm the fuck down!” the blond growled and jerked him away from the floor.

His eyes caught sight of the mirror. It was cracked but his attention wasn’t on his own pale and frightened face. His attention was locked on the empty space behind him.

The empty space that should have been filled with a pissed off blond.

\-------------------------------------------------------------

“Here drink this,” Spike said and handed Xander a cup of warm tea. Xander took it and sat on the couch staring at it.

“I-I…” he stuttered and tried again “I think you guys are n-nuts.” Xander looked up at Angel and Spike.

“Look,” Angel sighed “We did the whole show and tell bit already.” Spike nodded and went into game face again and smiled at Xander.

“Fuck,” Xander mumbled and flinched.

“Spike even drank three mugs of pig’s blood,” Angel said and raked a hand through his gelled hair.

“What…what do you want from me?” Xander asked, his hand shaking just enough to make a drop of tea spill from the cup and down on his thigh. Spike and Angel looked at each other.

“What’s your name?” Spike leant forward and looked intently at Xander.

“Please,” Xander snorted dismissively, “What? You’ll be asking me what today’s date is next or the year?”

“Just answer,” Angel demanded.

“Okay,” Xander said and put the cup of tea on the small table next to the couch, “I just want to state that I find it mildly disturbing that you,” he pointed at Spike “Don’t know who you’re sleeping next to.”

“Just tell us, pet?” Spike said softly.

“My name,” Xander frowned and narrowed his eyes, “My name’s…I…” he frantically looked from Angel to Spike, his eyes panicked and uncertain, “I…I don’t know,” he whispered.

\------------------------------------------------------------------

Despite the fact that his stomach was already empty he kept throwing up. He hugged the toilet. Holding on to it for dear life. The only solid object in a universe where he had no name and no memory.

\------------------------------------------------------------------

“So who am I?” he asked the two men…vampires…sitting at the kitchen table. The blond immediately stood up and pulled out a chair for him.

“Come sit with us, yeah?” the blond…Spike…asked hopefully and became a flurry of movement when he started making coffee and looking through the cupboards for snacks.

“Spike,” the other man said “Just calm down. Coffee’ll be fine.”

“Okay, Angel.” Spike nodded in agreement but continued to fill a plate with cookies.

“Angel?” he asked and looked at the dark-haired man sitting opposite him.

“That’s what people call me,” Angel confirmed.

“There,” Spike said and put the plate of cookies on the table and filled Xander’s mug with scorching hot coffee. Spike sat down next to Xander and patted his shoulder reassuringly.

“Your name is Alexander Harris,” Angel began.


	11. Chapter 11

A gasp of air and so many words unsaid.

\-------------------------------------------------

It was weird sitting there, surrounded by people who kept telling him how happy they were to see him doing so much better. Weird that they all knew his name and he still had trouble remembering some of theirs.

They would chat about this or that demon and about how to slay it and he’d just sit there and listen. Wondering if that was what he had done before…when he was that guy in the pictures back at the house.

His house.

He had a house and a car and a vampire roommate. He would wake up at night and wander down the hallway and stop outside Spike’s room and just stand there or he would wander around the house, looking at pictures and the DVD collection.

Spike said he’d watched each and everyone of those movies and TV-shows. Watched them more than once. But he couldn’t remember. He would trace the letters on the DVD cases. Babylon 5, Star Trek, Star Wars, Alien. His fingers would curve around the s’s and dot the i’s.

And he’d try to recall something about each movie. A scene or the name of one of the minor characters. It was like trying to remember something that had happened to someone else. Impossible and infuriating.

“Hey, Xander?” Willow asked and smiled at him.

“Yeah?” Xander looked over at the redhead. His best friend.

Spike said she was his best friend.

“You want a donut?” she pushed the cardboard box across the table and looked expectantly at him.

“I don’t really like donuts,” he said and looked down at the deep-fried pieces of dough. He really didn’t. They were just too greasy and they stuck to his teeth.

”Oh,” Willow whispered and looked sad.

”’S okay,” Spike said and put a small bag of chips in front of Xander ”He’ll eat those like they’re going out of fashion.”

\-------------------------------------------------

Spike and Angel walked past Spike’s old crypt. The moonlight casting shadows over the nearby tombstones. Angel kept glancing at the younger vampire and Spike finally sighed, stopped walking and asked,

“Whot?” he tilted his head a little and frowned.

“You should tell him,” Angel simply replied.

“We’ve had this discussion,” Spike said “I remember. I was there.”

“Yeah,” Angel nodded, scanning the graveyard for fledges, “But he’s not sleeping. You said so yourself. He hangs around outside your bedroom,” Angel stopped walking, turned and looked at Spike, “You know he’s feeling the pull of the bond. Sooner or later he’s going to wonder what’s going on and then…”

“Then,” Spike interrupted “I’ll tell him,” he promised.

“Just make sure you don’t wait too long,” Angel said and continued “How’s he doing?”

“Not good. Pretends to be doing good though,” Spike growled, “Bints aren’t making things better.”

“Spike,” Angel said warningly.

“Whot?” Spike arched a scarred eyebrow, “Can’t tell me you haven’t noticed them pouting and sighing every time he acts different than the Xander they remember.”

“It’s just as hard for them,” Angel tried.

Spike snorted “Please. They aren’t the ones walking around their home at night wonder who the hell they are. They aren’t the ones that’re trying to fit into an old life they’ve outgrown.”

“He’ll…” Angel began.

“Only ones treating him right is Tara and the watcher,” Spike continued, “Dawn’s just a kid. Won’t blame her for wanting the old Xander back but the slayer and the witch ought to know better.”

“Give them time,” the older vampire advised.

\-------------------------------------------------------------

He didn’t mind that he was left behind when the others patrolled. He would help Dawn with her homework. He might not remember his own past but he did pretty good with math.

He had asked Willow about that. Asked her how he could remember what the capital of Kenya was called and how to find the area of a triangle, when he couldn’t remember who the other kid, the dark-haired boy in some of the older photos, was.

She had explained how those things, reading and math, were skills he had picked up. Skills that weren’t tied to his personality but to pure knowledge and so when she had wiped the slate clean, when she had given him a new chance, those things had stuck.

”Multiply the base by the height, and then divide by 2,” Xander mumbled.

”Sorry?” Giles said and looked up from his book.

”How to find the area of an acute triangle,” Xander pointed out.

”Ah,” Giles said, ”I see.”

”Could you…” Xander paused and looked into kind blue eyes, ”Um…”

”Yes?” Giles smiled and closed the book.

”I was just thinking that maybe if…” Xander swallowed and tried again, ”Maybe you could make a list of the kind of demons I’ve helped,” he made stabbing gestures with his right hand.

”Yes, yes,” Giles nodded and started pulling a notepad closer, ”A list of demons we’ve vanquished…” he stopped writing, ”Why do you want a list?”

”I just thought, you know, that I could look them up,” he pointed at the books, ”and learn stuff about them.”

”You don’t remember a single demon?” Giles asked.

”No…well, I mean…Spike’s told me about the whole vampire thing,” Xander looked uncertain ”But apart from that I don’t remember. Must be one of those things connected to my personality?”

”Oh,” Giles looked thoughtful, ”Well, I’ll make a list and we can look them up together.”

\--------------------------------------------------

Xander was looking through a few boxes in the basement. He really hated the basement. He didn’t know why but he just didn’t feel safe down there. He’d turn all the lights on and make sure the door at the top of the stairs was wide open but he still felt exposed and small.

Most of the stuff in the boxes were small mementoes. An old worn comic book, a Christmas stocking, two stakes - he put those back in the box immediately - and some papers. He flipped through them and suddenly stopped.

It was a drawing. Of him. Him and Spike. They were in bed, Spike sprawled over Xander’s chest and obviously both naked. The covers were pooled around their waists. It was a beautiful drawing. The artist had captured both of them perfectly.

He looked at the upper right corner and saw the signature.

\-----------------------------------------------------

Angel was sitting at the kitchen table starring at his mug of blood. A piece of paper was pushed across the table and he looked up. Xander was standing there, arms crossed and looking determined.

“Xander?” Angel looked down at the drawing and frowned. He fingered the edges and took a deep unnecessary breath, “What do you want to know?”

\--------------------------------------------------

“Move over,” Xander whispered and pushed Spike a little.

“Something wrong with your own bed?” the confused vampire asked and scooted over.

“No,” Xander said and hogged the blanket.

“Oi,” Spike protested and shivered.

“Stop whining,” Xander said smugly and curled up under the blanket.

Spike didn’t move for several minutes then he cuddled up against Xander’s warm back and fell asleep.

\--------------------------------------------------------

Xander groaned and kept zapping until he hit Animal Planet. He put the remote down on his thigh and leant back against the couch.

“Don’t even think about it,” he warned when Spike’s hand started creeping toward the remote.

“Come on,” the vampire said, “’S just some stupid lions and assorted mammals willy-nilly wandering around the savannah.”

“No way you just said willy-nilly,” Xander chuckled and put the remote behind him, out of Spike’s reach. The vampire pouted and crossed his arms.

“Bloody human,” Spike mumbled and scratched his shoulder.

“There are three species of zebra: the Plains Zebra, Grevy's Zebra and the Mountain Zebra,” David Attenborough said as he stood in front of the waterhole. A small gathering of zebras were drinking the murky water behind him, ”They can be found in a variety of habitats, such as grasslands, savannas, woodlands, mountains and coastal hills. The name "zebra" comes from the Old Portuguese word zevra which means "wild ass".”

Spike and Xander looked at each other and laughed.

”Mountain zebras and Plains zebras live in groups, known as 'harems',” Attenborough said as the group of zebras looked up nervously, ”The harem consists of one stallion with up to six mares and their foals.”

”Whoa!” Xander said as they watched a zebra stallion mount one of the mares, ”That looks like that thing…” he waved his hand at the TV.

”What thing?” Spike asked and looked from the TV-screen to Xander.

”You know,” Xander continued, ”That thing…with the,” he seemed to hug thin air and then push his fisted hands against his own chest, ”Like…what do you call it?” he looked lost in thought, ”The Heimlich!” Xander suddenly said and grinned.

Spike just stared at him.

”But, you know,” Xander made the Heimlich movement again and then pointed at the screen, ”with stripes.”

”Yeah,” Spike said, his voice hoarse, and looked searchingly at his consort, ”With stripes.”

The End


	12. Twisted

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> A darker, sadder and more twisted ending of the story Lost and what COULD have happened to Xander.

Watching Xander sitting on the kitchen chair made Spike remember other mornings where he’d gotten up early. How Xander had looked in the strange filtered light fighting its way through the curtains.

Almost as if Xander was reading Spike’s mind he grabbed the fork on the table in front of him.

Nothing else happened.

Xander just sat there. Some obscure neuron had fired in his brain telling him that forks were meant to be held. Unfortunately it hadn’t told him what to do once the fork was there.

“Chilly this morning,” Spike said and scrambled the eggs. The sizzling butter in the frying pan was the only sound in the quiet kitchen, “Yeah,” Spike continued, “Summer's over.”

Xander didn’t moved. He just stared right ahead as if the grey kitchen walls contained the answer to every question a human could ask during its short lifespan. He blinked lazily.

“So,” Spike took a spoon and started dumping the scrambled eggs on a plate, “Was thinking we could watch one of your favorite movies tonight,” he walked over to the table and put the plate down. He pulled out the chair next to Xander’s and turned it so it was facing the human, “Have a nice hot shower after dinner.”

Spike turned Xander’s chair until the human was facing Spike’s empty chair, “Better make sure you don’t mess up your clean shirt,” Spike muttered and reached for the clean dishcloth on the table. He tucked it into Xander’s collar and smoothed it out.

Xander looked down at the plate.

“Yeah,” Spike smiled and sat down facing Xander, “You always liked scrambled eggs, you did,” he gently tried to pry the fork from Xander’s hand, “Let go, yeah?” Spike tried to pull it out of Xander’s hand.

“Stubborn bastard,” Spike mumbled and walked over to the kitchen counter to get a new fork.

Returning to the table he sat down, speared a piece of egg and then proceeded to hold it at Xander’s mouth, “You’ve got to be hungry,“ he coaxed, “Haven’t eaten much since yesterday.”

Xander’s mouth opened just enough for Spike to push the egg inside. Then nothing.

“Gotta chew, luv,” Spike said and closed Xander’s mouth by gently pushing the human’s chin up.

Xander started moving the egg around his mouth with his tongue and then finally swallowed.

“See,” Spike said and speared another piece of egg, “Nothing to it.”

\----------------------------------

He pressed his back against the bathroom door, his eyes closed and his hands clutching Xander’s dirty clothes. A high-pitched whine coming from the bedroom made Spike shiver and he tossed the soiled pants in the bathtub. The whining increased. It sounded so desperate.

He banged the back of his head against the door a few times and the whimpering seemed to die away and blessed silence ruled the house.

Then the phone rang.

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“He’s fine, Giles,” Spike said and fingered the pen and notepad in front of him, “No,” he shook his head, “He’s finally asleep now…no…no change… The doctor said,” he swallowed the lump growing in his throat, “The bullet and the lack of oxygen caused too much damage…even with therapy he’d never…” Spike let the watcher’s words swim over him, “What?” he blinked, “Oh…yes. He’s…He’s fine. Quiet but…” silence suddenly filled the conversation because they were both aware that he was lying, “Who’m I trying to fool?” Spike looked up at the ceiling trying to fight off the tears, “He ain’t bloody fine. He won’t ever be.”

A bump made him look over at the doorway. Xander was standing there, his pajama pants hanging low on hips. His eyes roamed the living room and finally settling on the bare wall over the TV.

“Have to run,” Spike said and put the phone down, ending the conversation.

“What do you need?” he asked the statue in the doorway.

\---------------------------------------

He watched the warm water cascade down Xander’s broad back. They always showered together. The risk of Xander falling was just too big. Spike started washing Xander’s arms, the large round sponge leaving soap bubbles in its wake.

Xander’s eyes were set on infinity. The human’s arms hanging lax at his sides. Moving from the arms to the chest, Spike talked about anything that came to mind. Anything at all. The most terrifying thing now was the silence.

It was as if all sounds in the world were drawn to the human, like light to a black hole. All the sounds that had filled their small house before the accident were gone.

“Better remember to wash behind your ears,” Spike said and put the sponge in Xander’s hand. He grabbed on to it and then just stood there. Spike took Xander’s hand and moved it up so the task could be finished. He let go of the hand and watched it fall back down where it let the sponge slip into the bathtub.

“Guess we’re done,” Spike helped Xander out of the shower and started drying him off.

\---------------------------------------------

Coaxing another bite of dinner in Xander’s mouth, Spike reached out for the washcloth and cleaned Xander’s chin. He pushed the plate away and looked at Xander. Vacant eyes looked past Spike’s ear.

“Got a nice piece of cake for dessert,” Spike said, his fingers straightening Xander’s collar, “And then…” his voice broke, “Then I have something that’ll make everything…” he took Xander’s lax hands in his. He could feel the blood running through the veins. Steady. Strong. Mocking him.

\--------------------------------------------

Sitting on the couch, Spike stared at the screen.

Buffy was battling with the oven, swearing that she was never again cooking thanksgiving dinner.

“Just admit you suck at cooking,” Dawn’s voice came out of the TV.

“I do not!” Buffy protested.

The camera swerved and settled on Xander. He was chopping something and waved at the camera with the knife. Then he continued chopping until he yelped and started sucking on his index finger.

“Watch out,” Spike heard himself say and the camera was put down on the kitchen counter. He saw himself walk around the counter until all he could see was the chopping board and his and Xander’s hips on the screen.

“EW!” Dawn screeched, “That’s disgusting! Get a room!”

“No sense in wasting good human blood,” Spike muttered in synch with his on-screen clone.

He turned and looked at Xander sitting next to him on the couch. The human was sitting in the same position he had been in since Spike had helped him into the living room. His eyes were staring unseeing at the TV-screen.

“Guess we should have dessert,” Spike said and patted Xander’s warm thigh. He picked up the plate and sliced the chocolate cake in smaller pieces with the edge of the spoon, “Looks delicious,” he held the spoon up to Xander’s mouth and slowly pushed the spoon against the parted lips. Xander opened his mouth and the piece of chocolate cake disappeared.

“You’ll get more,” Spike promised and picked up the bottle of sleeping pills. Twisting off the cap turned out to be difficult with his hands shaking. He put the pill bottle back on the coffee table and rubbed his hands against his jeans clad thighs.

Xander whined quietly and Spike picked up the pill bottle again and managed to get the cap off. He shook out three pills and grabbed the glass of water.

“You’ll get more cake,” Spike said, his voice a hoarse whisper, “Just…be a good boy and swallow these first, yeah,” he pressed the three pills against Xander’s lips and then helped him drink.

Xander swallowed and then whimpered.

“Shhh,” Spike hushed, “There you go,” he said and feed Xander another piece of cake. While Xander swallowed down the dessert Spike let the entire content of the pill bottle spill out on the table and picked up four of the white pills. He pressed them against Xander’s parted lips and then held the glass of water up so Xander could take another drink.

“Just a few more,” Spike patted Xander’s chest and then closed his eyes and took deep unnecessary breaths. He kept feeding Xander pills and chocolate cake until the human couldn’t keep his eyes open anymore.

“Just two more,” Spike muttered and made Xander swallow the last two pills.

Xander blinked and slumped a little to the left making the couch creak ominously.

\-----------------------------------------------

Spike undressed Xander until he was down to only wearing his blue boxer shorts. Maneuvering the drowsy human was even harder than ordinarily and he finally just pulled the green bedspread up from the floor and covered Xander with it.

“Won’t be long now,” Spike whispered against Xander’s clammy cheek and walked over to the window. He slowly opened the curtains and looked out into the garden. The lawn hadn’t been mowed in weeks and the dew formed perfect pearls on the long grass. The sky was slowly changing color, turning a ghostly light blue out by the horizon.

He turned back, leaving the curtains open, and crawled under the warm bedspread. He snuggled up to Xander. The other man’s breathing was shallow. Spike took Xander’s hand in his and stared up at the ceiling.

“Just a little longer, Xander,” he whispered to the cracks in the paint, “Just a little longer…”


End file.
